jess knows best

Friday, March 26, 2010

An Open Letter to My Wii Fit

Dear Mr. Wii, 

I run a family-friendly blog here, but if I didn't I'd have two words to say to you.

The first rhymes with 'suck'.
The second rhymes with 'poo'.

I should have known the fun wouldn't last.  But when I first stepped on you your delightfully digitized voice exclaimed 'oh!' as if you were happily surprised to bump into an old friend you'd not seen in a while.  We got along like a house on fire with your gently coaxing 'you're doing great's and 'keep up the good work's.  I wanted so badly to please you.  To get that little dot representing my balance into the bullseye on the centre of the screen.  I tried to make our relationship work, Mr Wii.  Really I did.  But your 'keep up the good work's came a bit too infrequently for my taste and it soon became clear that you're too self-absorbed to let other people win.  Has anyone ever had perfect balance when they stand on you, Mr. Wii?  I didn't think so.


I thought I'd give you a couple months to cool off.  To realize what you were missing, so to speak.  Cause, like I said, we could really be great together.  I'm totally into working out in my underwear.  And you?  You, Mr. Wii, let that happen.

So, you're right.  You haven't seen me in a while.  Actually, you haven't seen me since January, but I still don't think that justifies the rather catty remarks you made when I turned you on. 

"Oh, I haven't seen you in a while.  I didn't recognize you!"  your narky digital voice said.

Well hardy har har har.

I really thought you'd be the tiniest bit more excited to see me now that I do show up. 


When I stepped on you yesterday, you groaned.


Groaned.

Like the massive weight standing on you was going to break you in half.  I jumped off quickly so as not to hurt your delicate plastic casing, but not before you had the audacity to inform me (in exceptionally large font) that:
  • I've gained .6 kilos
  • It had been 74 days since I last used you
  • My Wii Fit age is 7 years older than my choronlogical age 
         and
  • I have terrible balance
Now, I get that a .6 kilo weight gain isn't ideal.  But its really not the end of the universe as we know it, either.  It definitely didn't justify the attack that ensued.  You were all 'Now, let's talk about some of the reasons for your weight gain' and presented me with a list of possible answers like too many snacks and not enough exercise.  Next time you ask me something like that and I pick 'I don't know' just go with it, okay.   

"Are you sure you don't know" is totally not an appropriate response.

If "because its Easter and Cadbury is selling those fab white chocolate Easter Eggs for a limited time only PLUS a Subway just opened up right next door to my work" was a choice I would have picked that, okay.  But it wasn't.  So you got "I don't know".  Plus, my clothes were really heavy last night.  You didn't take that into consideration at all.

Regardless, a .6 kg weight gain over 74 days really doesn't make me look like a beached whale.  So why did you change my Mii to make it LOOK like a beached whale.  You made my Mii look all sad and dejected.  I'm not sad and dejected.  Don't  you go projecting your insecurities on me, Mr. Wii.  Give my my svelte, sexy Mii back asap.

This lady's Mii doesn't look nearly as beached as I did... and she weighs more!  WTF, Mr Wii?

FINALLY, what's this crap about me being 31 years old?  Frankly, I disagree.  I just had my 24th birthday, Mr. Wii, and I'm pretty sure my balancing abilities reflect that.  Its freakin hard to stand still and balance when you're trying not to giggle cause you've got two greyhounds sniffing your butt wondering what you're doing.  And you never let anybody win at the balancing thing anyway. 

Look!  You look happy that this guy is 38!  Why give me a walking stick when I'm 32!

I'll give you one more chance, Mr. Wii, but you're on notice.  Next time I turn you on you better be happy to see me.  I want my Mii to look like Heidi Klum (but I still totally want to be able to tell that its me).  And by god, I wanna be so young I get carded.  And get rejected cause the number on my card isn't old enough.

So there. 

All the Best,

Jess.



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2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Jess, this is Nid from Rory's work. What an evil machine with its three-pronged judgment! Clearly, this is not a program created by a female. On the other hand, this post was hilarious and now I know just what to say should Matt want a Wii. :o)

March 26, 2010 at 4:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jess, Jess, Jess.....give up on Mr Wii, take a walk around the block in your underwear and I bet you get carded.
We think your lovely.
A loving friend

March 26, 2010 at 4:39 PM  

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